two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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