Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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