dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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