yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
