I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
