Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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