My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
