i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
