She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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