there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
