Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
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Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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