I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My penis needs a shock collar
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
