get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
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the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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