My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
