The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
People in love make me want to vomit
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
