I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
