Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
