Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
