So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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