Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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