with your own penis?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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