so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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