Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
FUCK WHALES
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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