your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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