Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
