nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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