Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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