He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
