i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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