I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
