You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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