I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
