woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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