nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
