when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
