I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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