Betty ford says i'm here all night
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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