The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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