I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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