i jhust puked up my retainher.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
