i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
