Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize