We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
