I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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