I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I need a beard to bite.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
