This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
