last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
