apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I checked into jail on foursquare
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
