I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
