I bet he comes in French.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
