if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
