you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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