dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
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