So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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