I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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