so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
